Been a long while since I last wrote an entry about my life.

But somehow I figured this news is just too important to be left out.

This is something remarkable. Something meaningful. Something priceless.

That I just had to share it with you guys.

Some of you guys mungkin dah tahu that I have been married for two years already now. But frankly, my husband and I, kitorang takde specific planning on when to get our first child.

I have always been regular monthly. Never missed my expected dates, well maybe for a day or two but that's it.

That is how we go about month after month all this while.

So when I was suddenly late last month, kitorang macam wondering "Is it time? Mungkinkah rezeki dari Allah telah menjenguk tiba for us?"

As like any other first time future parents, we were very excited. Excited sampai malam tu jugak rasa nak pergi borong semua Pregnancy Test Kits yang ada jual dekat Watsons and Guardian.

But unfortunately, the first test I did came back negative. So did the second one. And so did the third one.

Our hope began to sink. We came to a conclusion that I might just be too stressed out at work that my period decided to merajuk and came a bit late that month.

But then a week passed, yet still no sign of the red flag. I experienced normal PMS (the same ol same ol leg cramp and lower abdominal cramp, every day every night during the whole time). Cuma masa tu ada simptom tambahan yang I thought was like "Extranya PMS aku this month" which was setiap hari, lepas balik kerja, I was super keletihan and went straight to bed slightly after Isyak and slept soundly sampai pagi. Tak sedar langsung apa-apa. Sumpah letih gila.

My appetite also changed. I lost my enthusiasm in eating but sentiasa lapar. Therefore I makan because I nak isi perut je and not because I excited nak makan macam monster like setiap kali PMS yang selalu-selalu tu.

After almost two weeks waiting, still no period, I figured I might as well do another UPT but still, it came back negative.

4 UPTs and all came back negative. Considering my condition right there right then, how disappointing.

And then on my 14th day of late period, I suddenly got a sharp pain sensation on my lower right abdomen and a few minutes after that, I began to bleed. Like a lot.

I couldn't stand up straight and required my husband to assist me to move around. That night the sharp pain berterusan sampai pagi and that morning my husband quickly bawak I pergi jumpa doktor dekat Klinik Kesihatan Presint 11.

After I told everything to the doctors there, I was sent to Klinik Kesihatan Presint 9 untuk buat blood work to see whether I am pregnant or not. And sejam lepas tu I got the result. As expected, it was negative too. Bear in mind, after so many negative UPTs, my husband and I memang dah confident gila yang I wasn't pregnant at that time.

So bawak laa piece of paper yang tulis "Negative" tu balik ke Klinik Kesihatan Presint 11 to show to the doctors.

Masa jumpa doktor, doktor tetiba senyum and cakap "Klinik Kesihatan Presint 9 called tadi. Bagitahu result sebenarnya weakly positive."

The doctor said I was 5 to 6 weeks pregnant.

I seriously could not believe my ears. My husband tercengang macam tetiba tak faham bahasa Malaysia kut time tu. Like serius laa pregnant after 4 negative UPTs kat rumah?? So now yang bleeding ni what plak?

Dari bersyukur, excited, happy, terus jadik risau teramat sangat.

Long story short, I was then sent to Pusat Bersalin Berisiko Rendah at Presint 8 (PBBR P8) to clarify apa sebenarnya yang berlaku to my kandungan.

To my disbelief, PBBR P8 did another UPT and said it was negative despite the result that I brought from Klinik Kesihatan Presint 9 and 11. I was disappointed. Really disappointed.

They took my blood for more test and result akan dapat after two days. They sent me home with kata-kata "Itu normal menses sahaja."

My husband and I, we tried to believe what they said but somehow our gerak hati told us otherwise.

So the next day, even though I am still bleeding, my husband told me to take another UPT at home using Clear Blue Digital for better result (compared to UPT celup-celup kertas sebelum-sebelum ni yang I buat).

And guess what, the result showed that it is confirmed, I memang pregnant.

Immediately I was taken to Columbia Asia Hospital by my husband and my in laws untuk thorough check up by OBGYN. So more blood work done on me.

Cuma bezanya this time we got the result in less than an hour. I was indeed pregnant.

Tapi bukan rezeki kali ni, I already miscarriage. Most probably since the night I got that sharp pain and started bleeding.

I was sad but am also really glad when OBGYN told me that it wasn't ectopic pregnancy or anything dangerous and life threatening.

I was told to rest for three months to heal and strengthen my uterus and betulkan semula cycle menses.

My husband and I, kitorang sedih tapi kitorang rasa kitorang patut bersyukur sebab even though we did lost our first baby, but we managed to know it at a very early stage (5 - 6 weeks) of pregnancy.

InsyaAllah ada rezeki lain menanti. Janji Allah itu pasti.

Kalau bukan sekarang, tahun depan. Kalau bukan tahun depan, tahun kemudian-kemudian. :)

And somehow, I managed to learn a few lessons from this mishap:

1. Always be aware of your body changes. Trust your instinct (even though UPT's result is against you and your body). Pregnancy is best detected as early as possible in order to get doctor's advise on how to take care of your body and baby.

2. Use the best Home Pregnancy Test Kit. In my case, I swear by Clear Blue Digital. It managed to detect my pregnancy even though according to my blood test done by my OBGYN, my HCG level was already very low due to the miscarriage.

3. Support, care and love from your partner is the utmost important during hard times like this. Plus your family and friends. Don't be shy to announce your lost. I, myself, announced it on my Facebook and Instagram accounts on the day I found out yang I dah miscarriage because to me, morale support is the best kind of support that we can get in order to bounce back from our sadness and grieving.

4. Take time to heal. Physically and emotionally. For as long as you need. I know work and daily chores can get in the way but try to refrain yourself from pushing yourself to move on too fast as we are just normal human being. We have our ups and of course, our downs. We deserve a break.

5. As much as we trust our family / personal doctor, second opinion never hurt. What I meant is that, when you feel like you still need more explanation regarding of your body condition, it is not wrong to go to several hospitals or clinics to get consultations. Different doctors might have different opinion and the more opinions you get, the better you can understand what is going on with your body.

Even though the day I found out I was confirmed pregnant (when I used the Clear Blue Digital) is the same day that I found out I am having a miscarriage (at Columbia Asia Hospital), I am really thankful to Allah for everything.

To know that my womb has embraced another life is such a gift that I can never imagine.

Yes it was short lived. But it feels so precious. And I feel so lucky to have been given this opportunity.


And innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun to my first pregnancy, my first baby, my first treasure.


Salam menggemok and Toodles~

Assalamualaikum and Have a blessed day ahead.